ParentCareInsights.com

After about 6 weeks of phone calls and emails, my mom has finally moved into long-term care. Needless to say, it was bittersweet for me. On one hand, I was relieved that she will be receiving the higher skilled care she needs but on the other hand, life as we know it is no more. I didn’t fully anticipate what this day would look like or if it would even come at all. The transition went smoothly and she was relaxed and settled in nicely. The hardest part of the day was when I went back to the house. I still see her little body’s imprint in the couch where she sat the past several weeks, her unfinished cup of coffee and half-eaten cookie on the side table. Even though my mom is still physically present, it felt as though death swept through the house and took her away in an instant. For awhile, I tried to keep myself busy by tidying up things and doing mundane chores. Then I just decided to sit and take it all in. That’s when the tears flowed and I questioned myself if I had done the right thing. One of our good family friends was spot on when she said that doing the right thing is not always the easy thing. That is so true! I often times wonder why God puts me in situations that I feel like I have to figure out on my own. Being an only child, you have no other option. People mean well when the say “You’re not alone” but essentially you are alone because no one knows the private hell I’ve been battling since this whole thing started. I’ve spent the entire weekend trying to catch up on sleep and trying to find my way back to me again. I have cried every day several times a day trying to find my way through this empty space in my life.

As the Christmas season is upon us, I have let go of any expectations for myself and others, but mainly for me. It won’t be the holiday I had hoped it would be, but I still have the memories and I have to learn how to make new memories with a new normal. I also can’t expect my immediate family to feel the way I feel. After all, it’s not their parent in this situation and they are not me trying to figure it out. I have spent weeks and months not smiling, laughing, or even enjoying myself with the simple luxuries of life. I want to know what that is like again. I will always carry this responsibility with me for as long as I have my mom, but I have to start finding my balance between my role as the caretaker/daughter, and my role as a wife, mom, grandma, teacher, and person.